- I didn’t go to college but if I did I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant ’cause “The customer’s always right.”
- All right, all right. That joke’s better than you acted. Perhaps it’s not. Maybe it’s dumb. It could be. I hear you, man. I’m not a fuckin’ genius for Christ’s sakes. You know. I’m just tryin’ to tell some jokes. Shit. Who the fuck are you? That track is number fourteen. It’s called “Attitude”.
- I don’t have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I’d buy a “baby naming book”. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
- “I’ve got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying “No”. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain’t sayin’ shit.”
- If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.
- I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don’t you? “Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom’s got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is a.k.a. a hallway. This bedroom’s over in that guy’s house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms. Stay out.”
- I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk by at ten and say, “Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!”
- I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry.” So it died.
- I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like “You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product.” Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean.”
- I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.
- I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the “donate it to charity” slice. I would like to exchange this for the “keep it!”
- I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”
- When I play the South, they say “y’all” in the South. They take out the “O” and the “U”. So when I’m in the South I try to talk like that so people understand me. “Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? Come on, I’m in the South, you understand. I mean I’m in the S-th, and I want some s-p!” “I stubbed my toe, -ch!” “I need to lay down on the c-ch!” “I need to get the fuck -t of the S-th!”
- I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.
- You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.
- Vending machines are big part of my life, I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up, that’s a good invention, before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners, “What candy bar are you getting?”, “That one, and every one on the bottom row!”
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Hedberg was one odd guy. Hilarious at times, but odd.