Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort
of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words “mank” and
“ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and so is mankind.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out
it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like
a regular window.
Here’s a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don’t know
anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any
extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and
take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think
it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to
teach him to do some tricks. But only if you’re serious about adopting
the vulture.
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My favorite Jack Handey?
“When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like Grandpa. Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.”